Tales of the Parodyverse

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J. Jonah Jerkson
Mon Dec 27, 2004 at 11:55:25 pm EST
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The Baroness, Part 19 -- A visit to Sir Mumphrey's - Part 2
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The Baroness, Part 19
A visit to Sir Mumphrey’s – Part 2

Being an invited guest did not necessarily make a Baroness Zemo a welcome one. When she glimpsed Hatman in the library, he pointedly averted his eyes after an initial double-take, making it clear he preferred not to converse. Mr. Epitome merely growled when she greeted him. Elizabeth was able to corner Nats in the study, but after a few monosyllabic grunts, the flying phenomenon excused himself and vanished into the gathering. The Baroness found herself circulating back and forth to the mulled wine station far too often. Several times, she noted the presence of the Hooded Hood, arrogant in lofty isolation, seeming to be completely above and apart from the celebration. Only one young woman approached him, insistent at the beginning, hesitant soon afterward and stumbling away in near-terror at the end. Elizabeth had a moment of chilled introspection: If my plans succeed, I won’t have any of these people as friends.

Deciding that it was time for a few minutes alone, Elizabeth Zemo moved toward the central staircase and her second floor room. As she approached, she greeted a green-skinned, willowy girl wearing a coat dusted with melting snow, stumbling toward the stairs in high heels.

“Hallie! It’s true! You’re human now?”

“Yes, Elizabeth,” the former computer intelligence replied. “I’m like you now.”

“Baron Otto man -- really?”

Hallie extended her right hand for Elizabeth to grasp. It was cold from the outdoors, and silky. Instinctively, Elizabeth stepped forward and kissed Hallie on the cheek in greeting.

“Oh!” Hallie exclaimed softly, feeling the contrast of Elizabeth’s warm lips and cheek against her chilled skin. “How nice.”

“I’m glad. Here, come with me for a moment, and tell me all about it. Sir Mumphrey’s letting me use the Chinese Room, so it will be quiet there.”

“Er, I don’t have much time. We have to dress for dinner.”

“Don’t worry, I’m on my best behavior here. And besides, you’re almost family. And I have something for you. Will you trust me for ten minutes?”

“Well, I suppose. But don’t make me late.”

The two retreated to the Chinese Room, where Chives had deposited Elizabeth’s pile of presents, and they exchanged memories of the Hellraisers’ onslaughts only days before.

“I’m so sorry,” Elizabeth responded to Hallie’s grief over the Legion’s losses. “We were a little more fortunate over in Dullard’s Corner, but only because Visionary got help to us in time.”

“Yes, Visionary came through again. He’s good in a crisis – maybe I ought to have one myself and find out how good.”

“You like him too.”

“Of course. He’s the sweetest man I’ve ever observed – or met. But he’s so afraid of – never mind.”

“I see.” Elizabeth kept silent for a few moments. “Anyway, before you have to go, I have a small gift for you.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Don’t worry, it’s fine. I promised Sir Mumphrey. Now where is it?” The Baroness stepped over to the pile of white-tissue wrapped gifts and extracted a small package. “This is for you.”

“Thank you.” Hallie opened the box and stared. “What’s this?”

“An antique baby spoon. It was an old tradition to give a newborn a silver spoon as a talisman for a happy life. That one was made in 1695 in Zemodorf for a knight’s daughter. I hope you are as brave and fortunate as her parents hoped she would be – and that you remember that some small part of you – a good one, I hope -- is connected to me.”

“It’s beautiful – even if that last part is a little scary. Thank you.” Damn, no way I can scan things any more. I’ll have to ask Al B. to look this over.

“And what will you be doing after the holidays?” Elizabeth probed.

“Oh, I’m not quite sure yet. Probably help clean things up at what’s left of the Lair Mansion.”

Elizabeth pounced. “Looking for things like the Movie Gun, perhaps?”

Hallie’s head snapped back and her eyes widened for a moment. “No, not that at all. More like salvaging records and such.”

“Pity,” replied the Baroness. “You were the custodian of one of Baron Heinrich Zemo’s greatest inventions. It would be a shame if it and the knowledge you had were gone forever.”

“Er, I guess so. But I don’t know anything about it any more. And anyway, look at the time,” Hallie burbled as she stepped backwards away from Elizabeth Zemo, “it’s way past ten minutes. Thank you so much for the baby spoon, and we must get together sometime, but I really have to get upstairs. Bye!” she called, fleeing from the room.

I may have overplayed my hand on that one, the Baroness mused as she also headed for the staircase.

. . . .

I’m terribly obvious, hanging around here at the foot of the stairway, but he has to pass by here soon. Baroness Elizabeth Zemo’s face flushed with the humiliation. Everyone must be thinking I’ve been stood up – or can’t get anyone to escort me.

Finally seeing her quarry descending the stairs, Elizabeth called upwards. “Ioldabaoth, so good to see you again.”

“And you, Elizabeth,” the Hooded Hood responded gravely. “I trust you didn’t wait too long for me?”

I shouldn’t be waiting for anyone here. “No, hardly a moment. Come with me though, I’d like to speak with you in the Chinese Room.”

While Elizabeth closed the doors behind them, the Hooded Hood strolled around and observed the antiquities. “Sung Dynasty, Ju kilns, about 1090,” he pointed to a particularly fine pastel porcelain. “So much more refined than the later works one so often sees.”

“Sir Mumphrey told me that it was a gift from the last Manchu Dowager Empress,” the Baroness explained. “She apparently had some hideous piece decorated in multiple dragons in mind, but he managed to convince her to part with this instead.”

“A remarkable man, to make an Empress change her mind. Especially Ci Xi, who stole whole naval budgets to finance her palaces.”

“Or maybe just colonial arrogance at work,” replied Elizabeth. “But let’s leave the connoisseurship for later. Tell me, how does one handle being a black sheep at this party?”

“For me, no differently than any other encounter. Archvillains by definition are unique; I am no more isolated among the heroes here than I am with the Purveyors at Herringcarp. You, however, are still groping toward your destiny in the Parodyverse. You aspire to the monomania of the great while retaining a sentimental attachment to the common. When you resolve that paradox, you will know.”

“So for now, I’m condemned to be a fish out of water.”

“Or to be entirely yourself, because you have nothing to lose.”

“Thank you. And before you go, I have a small gift for you.”

“I appreciate the thought, but it is completely unnecessary.”

“If you don’t want it, I’m sure you’ll retcon it out of existence. But it would be a shame.”

The master villain opened the box. “Poe. Tales of the Grotesque and Arabesque. Quite appropriate, after all we’ve been through.”

“It’s the 1838 first edition. The bookshop says the notes on the flyleaf may be in his own hand.”

“One of the few originals I didn’t have at Herringcarp. After all the thought and trouble that must have gone into this gift, I doubt I’ll be retconning this, Baroness. Please accept my most humble thanks.”

“You’re most welcome.”

“Ah, but there are the chimes announcing dinner. I’ll see you there, Elizabeth.”

The Baroness lingered for a few moments to straighten up and lock up. As she did, the dinner chimes rang again – this time, in the opening notes of Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. “Drat, I forgot to ask him to get rid of that music!”

Playing the part of Baroness Elizabeth Zemo von Saxe-Lurkburg-Schreckhausen:

J. Jonah Jerkson
VOICE OF THE PEOPLE



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